From: Paul Allen Panks (
Subject: This is interesting... 
Newsgroups:,, comp.sys.cbm
Date: 2003-05-20 21:50:11 PST 

Since most of you know of me, I might as well post a little blog about
my life.
The past year has been interesting. Since I last posted with
regularity, my life has changed considerably. I still frequent the irc
group #rgvc, and post to and comp.sys.cbm (among other

Where to start? Well, let's start with one of my hobbies first.

I must confess my interest in text adventures
originated with Zork. I played Zork on the Commodore
64 all the time. Then I discovered "The Pawn" for the
C64 in 1987 or so, and that storyline really had me
interested. Combined with my brother's introduction of
online MUDs to me in 1994, I found developing text
adventure more interesting than playing them.

So I spent the better part of 9 years writing 20 or so
adventure games, 12 of which I eventually released for
Windows/DOS. I then flipped through my C64/128 disk
collection and then learned about C64 emulation. I
then sent all of my C64/128 work to users on
comp.sys.cbm, who then helped me upload them as disk
images for play on VICE. But my major project was
"Westfront PC: The Trials of Guilder" (just search for
"westfront pc" on google and you'll see the game all
over the place).

While I was doing all of this coding, I graduated with
a Sociology degree from Northern Arizona University. I
spent 2 1/2 years engaged to a woman named Katey, and
then I subsequently broke up with her. I then spent
much of March 2003 in a psychiatric hospital
(depression mostly). That was interesting. Then I got
out and went to support groups for berievement (my
grandmother passed away last July of 2002) and I
attended out patient therapy groups. 

So in a little over two years time, I became engaged,
bought a car, moved into an apartment (with my
fiance), then graduated. Then we broke up, I spent
time in a psychiatric hospital, and two months later I
discovered HLA. Last week I got a job at Pier 1
imports in Phoenix. My head is trying to keep up with
this. Anyway, needless to say, I've been through a
lot. :)

I've had a lot of weird experiences since 1995 (the year I began
college). In October of 1995, while waiting to play chess with a
friend at Macy's (in Flagstaff), a woman suddenly appeared behind me
from out of nowhere. I was back near the door and it was a windy day.
The place was packed. She was leaning against my chair, looking down
at me.

I asked her politely if I was sitting in her chair, and she replied
(I'm serious): "I am a guardian angel. Normally I am watching you from
above, my right now I'm watching you here." I nodded okay, and then
turned back around. Two seconds later, I turned back around and she
was gone. I asked my friend if he saw anything, and he said no. No
lady, no nothing.

In 1997 I started hearing voices (the little voice in the back of your
head type stuff) and I kept having dreams about Jesus, the Jesuit
movement and being buried alive (a la Bruce Lee). I then bought the
book "Conversations with God" and began reading it intently. I started
to keep a journal of my own conversations with God.

Pretty soon my mom noticed and eventually called Dr. Bevan in Phoenix
(a specialist). I saw him for awhile, and after getting over panic
attacks the same summer, he suggested Schizotypia. Typing letters to
God on my Commodore 64 wasn't normal, he said, and neither was my

I took a semester off from Northern Arizona University (where I
attended) and re-enrolled in the Spring of 1998. In the Fall of 1998,
I became paranoid of AIDS and HIV and began having delusions that I
was infected (or was to be infected). I started avoiding bathrooms and
any type of blood bothered me. As luck would have it, my roommate
suffered from terrible bloody noses and would often put his bloody
tissues in a plastic bag on the top bunk. I slept on the bottom bunk.
Other than that, David was a nice guy. He just didn't understand my

Anyway, I went for a walk one Saturday evening at NAU and I asked God
for help. A voice popped into the back of my head saying, "Go to the
end of the road. There will be a man on a bench. Talk to him." Now
this was at 12:00am in the late evening, on a Saturday night, when
everyone was at the bars. Who the hell would be sitting on a bench
adjacent to NAU, at that time of night?

Well, I not only walked up to that bench, but a man was sitting there,
still as stone. I approached him a few times, and asked him a question
or two. Everytime he would ignore me -- that is, until I began to walk
away. We then had a long conversation for over 2 hours on that bench.
He was in his late 30s or early 40s, swathy complexion, and clean cut.

The man talked to me about his near-death experience, an LSD trip he
had -- something about the "blue electric sky" -- and showed me
beautiful drawings he had drawn (of all things) on mailing envelopes.
He drew pictures of rainbows, a piano playing musical notes, and
unicorns. This was all done using colored pencils, and it was very
well done and quite artistic.

I began to wonder who the hell this man was -- this was Flagstaff,
Arizona remember -- and he started to tell me about consequences,
actions and karma. We ended the conversation shaking hands and I gave
him a wooden cross I always carried around (from Church camp). He
smiled at me and walked me back to my dorm room (pretty nice for some
strange dude on a bench at 2:00am in the morning). He carried with him
a backpack, and before we parted, he said,"You can always find me on
that bench during the weekends." Well, obviously not, because for
three weekends in a row, during the same time, he was never there.

After I met my fiance Katey in 2000, I had another unusual experience.
We took a pregnancy test the second or third time we made love, and it
was negative. But since this was my first ever pregnancy situation, I
was scared as hell! After she showed me the pregnancy test device, I
kept looking at it, holding it in my hands. I kept staring at the
little "line" symbol and checked the box a few times. I then felt
"something" brush against the pregnancy tip (which I was holding
firmly in my hands, and at an upward angle) as if something had
"zapped" it with an energy field of some sort. The pregnancy tip moved
on it's own, like a child had brushed against it. A sign of my unborn
child, perhaps. Who knows. I asked Katey is she saw it and of course
she looked at me like I was crazy. "No," she said.

I then spent 2 1/2 years engaged to be married to Katey. She was a
wonderful woman and we lived together for awhile as well. Then in July
of 2002, my maternal grandmother suffered a cardiac arrest and
eventually passed away (5 days later). The very day she passed away, I
was in Flagstaff with my fiance and I took a long walk upon hearing
the news. As I was walking, I heard Nana's voice in my head telling me
to head to the end of the same bench the man visited me in 1998. She
told me something would be left on the bench for me.

I walked over to the bench and was stunned to see -- of all things --
a Cabbage Patch doll wearing a diaper! Somebody (or someone) had left
this doll here and Nana knew about it. I took Katey to see it and I
still have that doll to this day.

Anyway, on the day Nana passed away, I went outside my apartment
complex and there was a beautiful, pure white, Siberian Husky standing
near my door! It reared up, sort of smiled at me in recognition, and
as I walked past it, it put it's ears back, raced towards me, sniffed
my hand, and then bolted around the corner. This was extremely weird,
because they didn't allow large dogs at my apartment complex! I
quickly followed the dog around the corner, but it had simply
vanished. I asked a man checking his mail if he had seen the dog, and
he mentioned it ran, "That a way." He pointed around the corner from
the mail boxes near the apartment complex office.

I raced around the corner, but no sign of the dog was anywhere.

I had simply vanished!

Was this my grandmother saying goodbye? Was this an angel in a dog
form? Who knows...

After Katey and I broke up -- I dumped her -- in March of 2003 I
started the first of two suicide attempts. The first was by swallowing
1600mg of Luvox -- one of my medications -- and then confessing to my
mom what I had done. They then took me to scottsdale memorial
hospital, where the doctor asked if I wanted to go to a psychiatric
hospital (for my "protection"). I volunteered to go and by 4:30am that
morning, the paramedics wheeled me into the Good Samaritan Behavioral
Health Center in Scottsdale, Arizona.

I spent three days there, but while I was there I met a 20-year-old
woman named Lindsey. She, by coincidence, attended NAU and had
swallowed 24 tylonel tablets in a suicide attempt after her boyfriend
had cheated on her. She spent 4 days at Flagstaff Medical Center
before her parents took her to this psychiatric hospital. We had a lot
in common, and we hit it off immediately. I gave her my phone number
and she promised to call me. She never did. I had to go to a
psychiatric hospital to meet a woman I found more compatible with me
than my fiance of 2 1/2 years. Amazing.

Now I'm working at Pier 1 Imports in Phoenix, while also attending
Tech Skills on Camelback road. I'm working to become computer
certified in Linux+, Sun Microsystems, and MCSD.

It's been a very weird 8 years to say the least!


Paul Panks (a/k/a "Dunric")
ICQ# 12234336
Tel: (480) 483-7837

From: Moon Man (MoonMan@backatya.bounce)
Subject: Re: This is interesting... 
Newsgroups:,, comp.sys.cbm
Date: 2003-05-21 07:40:15 PST 

Paul Allen Panks wrote:
> It's been a very weird 8 years to say the least!

Ain't that the truth. Don't forget to keep up the medication! The key to 
getting better is to remember that the crazy stuff is all in your head 
and to ignore it all. And don't kill anyone. And admit yourself to hospital.

From: Mike Dunford (
Subject: Re: This is interesting... 
Newsgroups:,, comp.sys.cbm
Date: 2003-05-21 09:55:16 PST 

[follow-ups to] (Paul Allen Panks) wrote in 

> Since most of you know of me,

Paul, I have to say that it is a much more pleasant read than some of 
the things you have posted in the past. I'm glad that things seem to 
be going fairly well for you, and I hope they continue to get better.

--Mike Dunford